Adages From Reality

by Adam Hagopian-Zirkel

A shuriken in the face is better than a cannonball in the gut.

When you use your woman as your wristwatch, your wristwatch will constantly nag you.

The best way to take a bubble bath does not involve gasoline.

There is no big thing when you forget your baby in the park and it is stepped on by a giant, balding, robot bandito.

Give me all your money. Those are nice shoes.

Don’t cure an asthma attack with lots of passionate sex.

Eat your vegetables or the unicorns will velcro “communist” to your forehead.

Your face will burn if you try to appreciate the sunset in an observatory.

Tacos.

Ribbons make things pretty.

You have the right to bear arms, but affirm those rights to an actual bear and it will most likely result in you losing your own and also all of your women. That’s what you get for using them as wristwatches.

Don’t play hopscotch on Isaac’s fish.

Yoga Spas do not make sewer water taste any better. Only limes can do that.

Don’t blink or murder.

You’re not clever if you TP the teepee. Only awesome.

Mmm yes.

No matter how many tampon tubes you glue together, you cannot make the internet.

Your flute playing is bothering me in a big way

That’s what she said.